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Enom’s tech support isn’t really support, it’s infuriating

My latest (and probably final) interaction with Enom tech support;

Dear Jack,

I want you to know that I wholeheartedly empathize with the plight of tech support personnel. I used to pull support detail on phones and by email. I know users don’t typically have a grasp on jack shit, and when they do file a ticket they are usually only kind enough to offer the most vague ramblings like “DNS no workie. HELP!” or “Can’t printy!”… That’s why, when I contact any support crew, I try to be very clear and articulate every part of the issue, along with steps I’ve taken.

I also want you to know I’m pissed off now. You have pissed me off. Keep that in mind as you read this, because I will most definitely be insulting you, possibly your family, most likely your co-workers, also your employer, and finally your management systems. Support people quickly become jaded and assume everyone asking for help is a fucking moron. I am not one, so PLEASE STOP SKIMMING my support tickets and actually take the time to read the words I am typing. Then take a minute to contemplate them, and if you do not understand, do not just reply back with irrelevant drivel. Instead, employ the assistance of a fellow support person or perhaps bring in a higher tier to help decipher the mystery before you.

Now beings the rant section of my discourse:

Ok. Listen up. I tried to explain things in a very articulate manner over and over and all I keep getting back is fucking jackasses treating me like I’M THE PROBLEM… well the problem is simple; NOBODY IN YOUR TECH SUPPORT DEPARTMENT ACTUALLY READS TROUBLE TICKETS. Why am I sitting here wasting my time schooling the Enom tech support department? Can someone please kick this up the chain so I don’t have to keep hand-holding your first tier computer science rejects? I’m about to start logging time and send you dipshits an invoice.

In direct response to your bullshit;

You> Please let me know if there is something specific you are trying to accomplish here

Me> As I have stated since the original ticket entry; I am trying to remove the name server records ns1.morpheusinc.com and ns2.morpheusinc.com from the name server registry.

Me> I cannot do this because your shitbox admin interface is telling me the nameservers are in use.

Me> Naturally I do a search to find out which domains are using these name servers, but the only domain that comes up is mbl.tel.

Me> My assumption is that your admin interface is not intelligent enough to know that these name server entries are irrelevant, so it is blocking me from removing the name server registration records for ns1.morpheusinc.com and ns2.morpheusinc.com, instead giving me the error “Objects in use”. So I enter a support ticket. Worst mistake of 2011 so far. I should have just let it go and moved all my other domains to another registrar who DOES have their shit together.

Me> Let me assure you, for the fifth time, that I completely understand that these name servers are not actually being used to resolve with.

Me> Let me try to explain to you (again); I believe these name servers are simply stuck in your admin system, and not the actual global DNS system. Again, let me reiterate in case you are still not getting it; I don’t care what actual live name servers are for mbl.tel or what the whois record says or what is actually happening out in the big wide world of the Internet… all I care about is fixing the ENOM ADMIN DATABASE so these name server associations with the mbl.tel domain are not falsely blocking the removal of ns1.morpheusinc.com and ns2.morpheusinc.com.

Me> I tried to explain this clearly. I even told you this was a “bug” in your admin interface or some mix-up on your end, but obviously you keep thinking of me as some kind of dipshit who doesn’t know what he’s talking about and ignoring what I’m saying and instead making assumptions about my lack of intelligence and keep regurgitating the same crap about “What matters is what shows up when you do a WHOIS lookup”… WELL NOT IF I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE WHOIS RECORD… ALL I GODDAMN CARE ABOUT IS YOU FIXING YOUR SHIT INTERFACE SO I CAN REMOVE THESE NAME SERVER RECORDS. WHAT ABOUT THIS DON’T YOU GET?

Me> Even a monkey should understand what I’m talking about if it took the time to actually read… even if only just my first ticket and my first response to your completely unhelpful issuance.

I understand that some aspects of this correspondence could be interpreted somewhat harshly, however after several rounds in editing, my flare for the artistic ultimately won the day and I kept some of the more risque parts for dramatic impact. If any of these more shocking elements have offended you, I am truly sorry. I thank you for your time in this matter.

Yours truly,
Sir Amal Patricia Johnson Graafstra III, Esquire, Spiderman, Moonbeam, E.S.P., D.D.S., M.D.

Here is a PDF of the entire interaction thus-far.

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